One theme of my life for the past year or two has been the idea & the feeling of burnt out.

merriam-webster defines burnout as “exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration.”

if I think about it that way, then I guess my life has been one long stress episode, as melodramatic as that may sound. I have a chronic illness, and most days are pretty difficult for me if I’m honest with myself.

Something as simple as forgetting to take my meds one day or accidentally taking my morning meds at night can mess me up for weeks at a time. Also, I’m an introvert, but I find myself popular these last few years, which is an interesting thing to have to grapple with.

It’s more than a little ironic that I spent the entirety of my teenage years feeling lonely, isolated, and lost in the world. Out of place, even. And now, I find myself meeting new people all the time who understand me or feel similarly to me on lots of things, but the upkeep of maintaining things like friendships, which I have very little experience with outside of the few neurodiverse people I’ve been friends with for years, is very difficult.

Growing up in an abusive household as a people-pleaser, I tend to spread myself entirely too thin and agree to things that others want to do simply out of fear of disappointing them or “making them mad at me.”

I like my friends, and I want to make them happy, like they make me, but the irony of growing up the way I have means that I tend to just go with the flow and do whatever other people want to do, regardless of whether it will be enjoyable for me or not.

I constantly find myself agreeing to play things I’m not interested in at all for someone else’s sake, and it’s especially harmful because they usually enjoy themselves so much, which just reinforces my own “bad behavior” of engaging in activities that exhaust me.

I really wish I had been prepared for doing person things better in general. But yeah, that’s what’s on my mind this week.

Sorry I forgot to write last week, I actually did mess up and take one of my meds twice last week (I got two morning doses and therefore missed one of my antidepressants), which has put me in a very trepidatious state this past week. Eugh, what a nightmare!

Thankfully, things seem to be improving today at least! Here’s hoping it’s a continuing trend.

Also, I know there’s some responsiveness issues with the new layouts on the website, I want to fix them, but I just haven’t been able to find the motivation lately. I need a break, but if I feel like that all the time, is a break really what will fix it? idk.

EDIT: I ended up fixing it, and I’m feeling much better lately!! I guess I really did just need some time for my meds to get re-leveled out… 💦 don’t forget to take your meds on time!