a look ahead
tagged: girlblogging, therapy
now playing - ć«ćć³ by ļ¼ććććć³ć 
ah frick itās that time of the week again, isnāt it! weekly blog timeā¦
I have two sessions of therapy left after tomorrowās session, which means I am in the process of preparing for post-attending-therapy life.
Iāve managed to get (mostly) back on track with journaling & bullet journaling. Iāve been working on saying no to things and establishing (and sticking to!) boundaries. Thereās been some noise being made (not at all helped by me and my indecisiveness ^^;;) about my potential return to playing Final Fantasy XIV. I took a break from the game (I had been playing since May of 2021) starting around the Dawntrail (new expansion) launch this past June/July, and weāre sitting at a solid 5 months later at this point, and I still donāt super know what to decide with regard to that.
I really value my friendships with the friends Iāve made in my free company (basically, the ffxiv term for guild/clan, aka FC), and I miss all of them tremendously. I love running content with them, even if the game itself is mostly kind of unappealing to me at this point. I think basically what happened is I got sucked into the āmust complete every task!ā way of thinking and started grinding - leveling every job to 90 (before the level cap increase), doing every sidequest, etc.
I know for a fact if I do return, I want to focus more on the content I actually enjoy and not spend all of my time playing it, because I know itās unhealthy for me, which is what makes me reluctant to return at all. That being said, there are still things I think would be fun to do with everyone else, and being more casual about it would still let me see my friends without potentially getting sucked back in.
However, on the other side, the game costs a monthly subscription to play, and there are a lot of people clamoring for my return (not to make myself sound overinflated or egotistical or anything)ā¦I donāt find myself that important, but being the leader of an FC and founder of a ā¦large-ish? (80+ member) crossworld linkshell/community, I find myself being pulled in many directions at any given time.
idk, the more I think on it, the more I think I need more time? I definitely donāt love the financial cost of it, and while Iām sure there are people who would āhelpā pay my sub just to have me playing again, I refuse to take advantage of people in that wayā¦;;
I guess at the end of the day, Iām enjoying having free time to do other things, and I donāt miss the feeling of āhaving to doā x or y thing because of some self-imposed expectation of āwhat I should doā and I worry a lot that returning to ffxiv would just expose me to those situations where I have trouble saying no again and undo all of the hard work Iāve done thus far.
So, really, as much as I miss raiding with the homies and running dungeons with them, I donāt know that ffxiv is good for me. Iām sure Iām not the first to write about the addictive nature of massively multiplayer online rpgs, and I likely wonāt be the lastā¦
when I first began playing I really thought I was not the type to get sucked into things like that, and I still donāt think of myself as having an addictive personality in general, but I think games like these are designed to exploit certain patterns in human behavior and reasoning to keep you playing long-term, much like gacha games.
And, having seen this first-hand, Iām now reluctant to play, even if I think I might enjoy some of the content, because on principle, the very concept of the game (and its exploitation of players) kind ofā¦disgusts me? I know that sounds veryā¦harsh? judgmental? weāll go with criticalā¦but once Iāve seen it, I havenāt been able to ignore it, and knowing that it is preying on my worst impulses to keep my money going to YoshiP & coā¦.frankly, Iām not sure that the fun is worth it.
It saddens me to say it, butā¦a lot of the things Iāve done since leaving the game, I would not have had time for had I continued playing. Iāve been not only branching out into other games, but finding time to work on personal projects (like this website!) and getting back into art. None of that wouldāve happened if I had been playing the new content these last 5 months or soā¦
Iām eternally grateful to the community my friends and I have built over the past three years, and I know that without it, I would not have come out of my stint in the hospital in 2020 anywhere near as healthy (mentally) as I am now. I intend to stay in touch with everyone as well as I can, and I can always change my mind later on whether or not to return for a short time here and there (honestly, most people I know play it this way)ā¦never say never, I guess.
But I think the safe answer for right now is very likely āno.ā
published: 2024.11.24
by mana
