🍑🌙 | identity

identity

does anyone remember those stupid-ass old tv commercials (for what product? i don’t remember nor do i care) where the people would shout “waaazzzaaaaaaap” at each other? that was sure a time.

lately, something I’ve been thinking a lot about is identity. there’s many reasons it’s been at the forefront of my mind as of late, but I guess the main reason is I feel like i’ve been having a bit of a crisis in that area as of late.

an identity crisis? at your age? aren’t you a little old for that?

uhhh idk i don’t really care about that kind of thing, sorry.

but i think part of the problem is coming to terms with being diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum as an adult. I was diagnosed nearly 10 years ago, and am still learning new things about myself.

when i first got diagnosed, I was strongly of the opinion that “this changes nothing,” I’m still who i’ve always been, and if anything it just offers some explanations and insight into why things have been the way that they’ve been for me over the years. and i still feel this way, to a degree.

wym?

in the past five or so years, I’ve really started to understand what this diagnosis really means to me, and to deconstruct the schemas I grew up believing because my parents (and I) thought I was neurotypical, and therefore that i “shouldn’t be struggling” with this, that, or the other thing. Maybe it’s fine that i had a hard time making friends and was really good at school and don’t get jokes and struggle with social situations.

maybe i’m not a freak for being anxious all the time because the world is literally too loud, too bright, and the air feels wrong 99.9% of the time. maybe i’m not a picky eater and it’s ok that certain textures make me wanna claw my skin off and run into the woods never to be seen again.

maybe i’m not stupid or overly emotional for not really understanding emotions or being able to regulate them the best and being overwhelmed every time i feel something really strongly and shutting down and running away and never doing the thing that made me feel stuff ever again out of fear that i’ll be mocked for it.

ok, so this is sad now. i made a sad post. i’m sorry. but there is hope still!

now that i understand that there’s reasons for all these things and i’m not a bad person or a monster or damaged in some way, just wired differently, i’m beginning to understand a lot more about myself, and I think that’s a beautiful thing.

it’s one thing to live your entire life thinking you’re broken and won’t ever be “fixed,” and that you’re just doomed to suffer for all eternity (i know, bc I also felt that way for much of my life up until this point), but if you’re like me and feel (or felt) this way, then you’re probably holding yourself to an unreasonable standard. you’re probably asking yourself “why can’t I just be normal?”

you can’t always get what you want

hearing that sentiment, that you can’t always get what you want, feels very hopeless at first. “oh ok,” you say, “so i’m just gonna live like this forever,” and then you make the sad cat with a thumbs up meme in your head and you relate way too hard to it and you’re so sad you can’t even cry because you’re more exhausted than anything and everything just feels so oppressive all the time.

but if you try, sometimes, you get what you need

an unreasonable standard, you say? but normal is the standard, why is it unreasonable?

it’s unreasonable for people like us, because we just fundamentally are not normal. and there’s nothing wrong with that. despite what the world may tell you, it’s ok to be different.

learning about what sorts of behaviors and experiences others on the autism spectrum live with has taught me a lot about myself, and just like when i found out i had rheumatoid arthritis, or EDS, or fibromyalgia, understanding sometimes mean re-evaluating the standard you hold yourself to.

i don’t get mad at myself for not being able to run a marathon because someone with my condition has to overcome a lot to be able to do it. it’s not impossible, but it’s also not something i’m interested in doing, so it’s ok to not do it.

it’s the same with mental illness and neurodivergence. you shouldn’t “just be happy,” because nobody is “just happy.” lots of people lie about it, sure, social media is great for performing PR for yourself and convincing others your life is going G-R-E-A-T and nothing is ever wrong look at all my beautiful stuff and my beautiful family and my perfect vacations! we are doing great over here!!! (or so they insist, very loudly.)

for years, and persisting into my current day-to-day living, I have been extremely hard on myself. “why does this bother me? why can’t I just be normal? why do I have to buy shirts with wide open necks why can’t I just wear ‘normal’ clothes and be fashionable? why can’t i just eat yogurt and not gag the whole time?”

honey, sweetie, me, you are neurodivergent. you don’t have control over what things repulse you bc of sensory issues any more than a person with tourette’s has control over their tics.

this is what i meant by schema and holding yourself to an impossible standard - you’re very likely holding yourself to a neurotypical standard, one that is impossible for you to obtain because of your nerodivergence, if you’re like me, anyway.

what i’ve been working on, and what i think would help anyone else going through something similar, is working to redefine what “functional” looks like for you. don’t make your goal something you just physically aren’t able to do (like eating yogurt for me, the repulsion is too strong, it’s pointless to try), but instead choose an attainable goal, like…“I want to be able to be in public and not feel like shit because of the noise level.”

these types of goals are attainable with accommodations, which you owe yourself. it’s like when you’re disabled and you finally decide to start using a mobility aid: people may warn you about “relying” on the aid (in my case, a cane), but in my experience, using the aid makes you more active and helps you to live your life more like you want to live it, and I don’t think “relying” on a tool meant to make your life more accessible to you is a bad thing.

i don’t think relying on a tool meant to make your life more accessible to you is a bad thing!!!

I wanna shout that from the mountaintops!!!

part of becoming an adult and growing up is realizing that nobody is an adult and everyone is just winging it at any given moment. nobody else ‘has it all together,’ and everyone is worrying about something. and also! that you get to define what being a successful adult looks like for you. it might take time and courage and persistence, but eventually, if you learn to carve your own way out in this world, you’ll be much more comfortable rather than trying to shape and mold yourself to someone else’s standard of what functional or good or successful is.

anyway, that’s my rant for today. I’m sorry if it came off preachy, I tend to phrase things in a “you” way when I’m really talking to myself…

published: 2025.08.27
by mana